Prime Minister’s Address to Parliament

”Going to war against a sovereign nation is not a step to be undertaken lightly, even when the nation in question is suffering at the hands of a brutal dictator.  I want to support our friends in The United States of America and wage war in Iraq.  This being a democracy I do not intend going against the wishes of the people, and so I will summarise my case before requesting a vote of conscience from all members.  Unless there is an overwhelming majority in favour I will not go to war.  Here is my case.

• Iraq has no Weapons of Mass Destruction.
• Iraq has not had a programme for building WMD’s for a decade.
• Iraq poses no threat to the West.
• Iraq has never made any move against a Western nation.
• There is no link between Saddam Hussein and international terrorism.
• Much of what you have read in the newspapers is untrue, because for several years our intelligence services have been exaggerating the case against Saddam Hussein for propaganda purposes.
• Iraq does not have the military capability of defending itself against attack, and so our casualties will be light.
• We will suffer more casualties by friendly fire.
• Many thousands of Iraqi civilians will be killed or injured in the war.
• Most of the civilised world believes this would be an unjust and illegal war, but I will condemn the more outspoken leaders and accuse them of cowardice.
• Saddam Hussein is no worse than many other dictators, but Iraq has huge oil reserves that need our protection.
• Our budgets are stretched, and so we will not adequately protect our soldiers with appropriate boots, clothing, tents, body armour, or medical supplies.
• We will achieve minor economies by limiting the quantities of ammunition entrusted to our soldiers.
• Anyone who speaks out against the war will be threatened and if necessary will be sacrificed.
• This war will be seen as a clear warning by other rogue states, who will surely takes steps to protect themselves better than Saddam Hussein and may even be tempted to make pre-emptive strikes.

“Of course, we will destroy Saddam Hussein’s power base very quickly, and the USA and Britain will need a plan to bring peace and prosperity to the people of Iraq.  This is our plan.

• We will take control of oil production to pay for rebuilding.
• We will force democracy on Iraq, although Iraqi religious leaders believe this is incompatible with the principles of Islam.
• Iraq is a bankrupt nation with no infrastructure and it will take a commitment of years and billions of dollars to bring any kind of stability to the region.
• Whilst we attempt to rebuild (rewarding American contractors and suppliers) international terrorists will move into the power vacuum and attack British and American targets.
• Terrorists will kill more British soldiers after the war than Saddam Hussein’s troops will kill in the war.
• There will be Iraqi deaths, and terrorists will target civilians working for us.
• Our aggression will be interpreted as an attempt to replace all Islamic states with democratic markets for western exports, resulting in increased Muslim sympathy for fundamentalist terrorism.
• Our lifestyle, which would inevitably be exported along with our unwanted luxury goods, is abhorrent to traditional Muslims.
• There will be an increase in terrorist attacks on soft British targets around the world.
• We will need to spend billions of pounds tightening security in Britain and abroad.
• The freedom of British citizens will be more restricted as a result of increased security.
• The cost of the war and our continuing involvement in the region will naturally have an adverse impact on government spending on domestic health, welfare and education.

”I am confident that I have outlined a strong case for war and for the rebuilding of Iraq in our image.  I urge you give me your approval so that I will go down in history as a great liberator.”

Note: It would have taken great foresight for our Prime Minister to have seen this bigger picture so clearly from the outset.  Unfortunately, he is still unable to see the bigger picture and it would appear that our beloved leader is not even blessed with hindsight.