CONCEPTION

Jonathan      This has happened so many, many time, but always I seem unprepared for the gradual descent into cotton wool. I start by trying to hang on ~ to wisdom, understanding, awareness of the universe, the glorious vision of evolution, but most of all to that warm feeling of unity. Once I stop clinging it is much easier. The cotton wool is not so bad in itself, just so three-dimensional after what has been before. I allow myself to drift, losing all sense of direction, purpose, time . . .

From a great distance a voice is calling "Come to me!"

Sally               I had been looking at the calendar for a few days ~ checking the dates, but also trying to listen to my body. Both ways told me 'tonight's the night!' I prepared a light dinner and encouraged Dave to talk about his day. When I finally suggested an early night I could almost hear the penny drop! He spluttered and blustered, but then was very attentive and tender. For all that, I wasn't quite there for him. I could sense my baby out there. In my mind I called out to him: "Come to me, come to me!"

Afterwards, when we held each other, I knew without a shadow of doubt that my baby had heard me.

Dave              I suppose I was a bit slow on the uptake. Sally had probably been working it out for days, but I have been a bit pre-occupied with work lately. Fortunately, she enjoys listening when I tell her about the problems, and how I intend fixing them. Anyway, when I finally realised that the timing was right I gave it all I'd got. Kissing, fore-play, all the stuff that seems not to matter so much when you've been married a few years. It worked, as well. I've never heard her call out like that before. "Come to me," or something. I didn't need telling!

I might have dozed off a bit afterwards, but I could tell by her smile that I haven't lost my touch.

4 MONTHS

Jennifer         Mummy said she will have another baby. I will play with it. It can sit with my dolls, and I will tell them all what to do. If they are naughty I will smack them all. It won't be my favourite, though. Katy will always, always be my special favourite. The baby next door cries all the time. Our baby will laugh when we play games.

Dave              Somehow it doesn't seem as exciting the second time around. When Sally was having Jennifer there was the spare bed-room to decorate and I was busy looking after Sally. This time she is standing up to it really well, never complains. Just as well, because this month's figures are disastrous. If we don't turn the corner soon I don't know what will happen. I've started going in to the office a bit earlier in the mornings to try to make sense of it before the phones go mad again.

Sally               This is a dream pregnancy. With Jennifer I felt big and sick and tired the whole nine months, but somehow Jonathan just resonates on my wave-length and I positively glow with health and happiness. I haven't told Dave about the name, yet. I'm just waiting for the right moment, but he always seems so tired in the evenings. I don't even know where the name came from, but just as I was so sure I had conceived, I know that this little person inside me is called Jonathan.

Jonathan      Blackness . . .............. Timeless . . ................ Floating . . .


Joined with another . . .


Warmth. . . ........... Safety

7 MONTHS

Dave              God, what a nightmare. 24 redundancies in the last month. Joe's wife is dying from cancer, Harry's wife is pregnant - same stage as Sally. I must be a right bastard to do it to them, but what choice have I got? Probably be my turn soon. I daren't talk to Sally about it any more, she'd only worry, and that wouldn't be good for Jonathan. I don't know where she dreamed up that name, but I'm glad I haven't had to pore over books every night to chose it. It doesn't help that Jennifer has suddenly started being awkward. Always tugging at me, wanting to play. She's going to have to grow up a bit when we have a new baby in the house.

Jennifer         Daddy doesn't love me any more. He never plays with me like he used to. And he shouts at me. And Mummy is always tired. I hate that baby. And they want to call it Jonathan. What a horrid name. Don't they know if it's a boy it HAS to be called Leonardo. My friends will all laugh at me when I push Jonathan in his pram. Perhaps I'll push it too fast and he'll fall out like my dolly. Then everything will be like it was before.

Sally               Well Jonathan, I guess the honeymoon period is over. Still two months to go, but the way you move about you seem to be telling me you're ready now. What happened to that glow I had? All I do now is sweat, and heave my body about from one chair to another. I ache all over. The only time it stops is when I go swimming. Not so much swimming as floating. You like that, don't you, Jonathan?

Jonathan      i have no past no future i just am i am part of another being there is a cord of love it nourishes me i am constrained i push there is resistance i am carried in big lumbering jarring steps i take the love through the cord sometimes it is not there

sometimes the other one comes close and there is tension and sorrow perhaps i am not safe i try to hide after the sorrow there is tiredness then floating everything floats it is such a relief.

Sally               It's down to us two, now, Jonathan. Jennifer sulks all the time and I really worry about Dave. He comes home late, misses dinner, doesn't even tell me about his day anymore. He probably finds me repulsive, but I can't bear to think that he might have begun to wander. He was such a flirt before we married, and there are all those attractive un-pregnant girls in the office, but I can't challenge him now. All my energy is for you, Jonathan.
 

BIRTH

Dave              In the end I just walked out of the meeting. There are times in your life when you just know where the priorities are. If they really want to sign a contract with us they will still be there tomorrow. And if they aren't, so be it, I will take redundancy and it won't be my problem any more. Sally looks so confident as if she knows exactly what to do. I hold her hand and feel useless. Push! I find myself calling out with the doctor. Sally is panting, looking determined. Push! This is the only thing that matters. That little baby in there is making this tremendous journey and whatever help we can give he still has to make it by himself. Push! God, I don't care about the contract, I don't care about the job, just let Sally be all right, just let Jonathan be all right. Push!

I bring Jennifer in and there is Jonathan and I am crying like a baby. Sally, Sally, you're just terrific.

Jennifer         Daddy suddenly rushed out for me. I had to leave the Lego house I was building. I wasn't scared, well, just a teeny-weeny bit. Mummy was panting and grunting, and people were shouting push, and then out he came. He didn't look like a baby at first, then they wiped him and I could see his little face. He isn't a bit like my dollies. His little arms and legs are moving and his fingers are stretching. I just want to hold him and look after him. Why am I crying?

Sally               I just want it all over now. I want to see Jonathan, this human being I know so intimately. Push! Dave came rushing in at the last minute, as usual, but then I really felt he was there for me. He promised to bring Jennifer in for the last few minutes if it is not too gory. Push! These spasms are coming faster now. It's as though I am looking down at my own body. I can feel the pain, but when the doctor shouts push Dave joins in and so do I. I don't know what Dave has been going through these last few months but I know there isn't another woman. Push! Jonathan is moving down. Rest, just for a minute, then push, push, push! Then he is in my arms and Dave is crying and so is Jennifer. I hope she isn't scared. I let her hold him and she smiles through her tears. He is so beautiful.

Jonathan      my world is contracting, the waters are running away, i have to get out, i don't know where i am going but i have to push, push, push, there is a roaring sound, loud noises, bright lights, i can't get out, i can't get out

i have to push, push, something takes hold of my head and pulls me roughly, it hurts, it is cold, i am separated from her, i am alone, there are people here but i am alone, so alone

she holds me, she holds me, i am not alone

I AM NOT ALONE

© Harvey Tordoff
February 2000